The Accident

In 1983, I was involved in a terrible accident where I fell off a moving bus and landed by the roadside. I was in coma for a few days at the then University Hospital and was on life support machine for the first couple of days, as I had a concussion on my head.

After the accident occurred I had problems reading, calculating numbers and sometimes facing difficulty with my vocabulary. The problem went on for a couple of years and I realized that I couldn’t catch up with my friends in academics. I was sent to one of the last classes then, and had to struggle more in school to get good grades. My mind gets disturbed easily and at times I find it difficult to control my actions.

I hardly remember what actually happened until a few days ago when an old friend of mine who was at the scene wrote to me on Facebook about the accident. The accident occurred at around 1.45pm, nearby a junction. Today this old friend of mine from SRK Kampung Tunku unveils the story and wrote on Facebook the event that happened almost 28 years ago. Ahmad Saifuddin Abdullah wrote:

“Aku ingat lagi masa tu kau diri kat pintu bas. Biasa lah, bas sekolah time tu mana ada konduktor. Rasanya kau terlepas pegang railing besi bas. Tau-tau, kau dah takde kat pintu. Menjerit kitaorg kat abg driver bas. Kau dibawa ke UH, kitaorg satu bas ikut sekali.

Brain kau kena gegaran tu, kau pun trauma, itu sebab kau dok ada flashback.

Tempat kau jatuh tu di simpang SS1/23 dgn SS1/18. You fell at SS1/23 as the bus was approaching the junction. Kalau kau tengok googlemaps, the coordinate is 3.102652,101.615571.”

I guess that explains it all - dropping from tall buildings, being knocked head-on by a car while driving, getting shot by a .44 Magnum, and body catches fire in an explosion – the scary images I’ve been having until today.

After the hard struggle at school, I managed to complete tertiary studies and later got my postgraduate degree. It is actually not long after high school years that I began to climb up the academic ladder step by step. Although slowly compared to others, I had a good head start when best friend Nik Abdullah helped me throughout my journey to obtain my degree.

So there you have it – the untold story about the accident that almost took my life away. I guess I’ve had near death experience a couple of times, and today I pray to Allah that when it is time for me to go, I hope I can go knowing that I have lived my life to the fullest, wisely.

Leaving The Memories Behind

Recently some old friends from primary school talked about having a gathering to commemorate the 25th year since we left the school. My wall in facebook is filled with lots of comments and jokes and some are very hilarious. There are also some friends whom I have not seen again for a very long time since the last day I stepped out of the school gate. Since most of my friends were born and raised in KL and are currently working in the big city, the way they were brought up resembles the way they think, speak and decide. Not to mention – joke. Although most jokes I find funny and witty, there are some of them which I think is rather “made the old wound bleeds”.

You see, when I was a kid I kind of screw up my life. I did something awfully bad until the whole school witnessed the discipline teacher smacked me with three stokes of rattan. It was a big hoo-haa then when even a magistrate attorney sent the school a note to tell the principal not to cane students in public to avoid other younger students from being ‘traumatized’.

That was then. Time flies very fast and now I have changed. Just as much as I do not want to remember those dark days in school, the memories keep haunting me now and then. It is not a big deal though. However some people have this habit of stigmatism towards others and I’m not comfortable at all with it. What happened was, this friend of mind opened up a subject and discussed about what I had done during that time, the chronology and everything. Although some of the facts were wrongly expressed, I still feel uncomfortable with her comments and statements.

Now I am uncertain whether or not I should attend the gathering. What is the point of going if all I hear is people talking about what I had done a long time ago? So I thought perhaps I should leave my primary school’s group in facebook – which I did – to make me feel better. Come to think of it, I have not been contacting my old friends ever since I left for Aotearoa. I survived, so I guess I could still survive even without having them around. Vice versa, I don’t think they would even notice my disappearance.

I’m very much comfortable with my life now. I’m away from the bustling city most of the time; I have a wonderful family, a nice cozy house, an orchard, a car to travel in, and my PC games. I couldn’t ask for more.

Some memories are just not meant to be remembered.

Missing This and That

My life has been smooth lately – work is, well, work. Then I have my lecturing series, and Ops Lengkuas is gaining momentum. Alhamdulillah, I have no complains. The only thing that got me a little bit frustrated was my old Ford 4x4 Courier’s wheel went flat twice. Knowing a 4x4 truck, the tyres are heavy and changing the spare tyre is an enormously tiring process. Nevertheless it is such a challenge especially when you’re in the middle of the jungle, in the rain and the ground is soft that you couldn’t even stabilize the car jack. But it was indeed a good experience, though. Not to mention, each tyre would cost me around RM480. So imagine having to change a pair.....

Mom is not well. She will be going a minor O&G surgery (well, that’s what she says) at the end of the month. I have made arrangements to be with her on that day. The ironic part is that I am also scheduled to see the doctor for my routine checkup. I guess I just have to postpone that to some other day.

HCM called me the other day. I wonder why. I know I should get a blackberry, but then again it would be a misallocation of funds because I just upgraded my broadband line at home and besides I feel that I don’t think I would utilize it that much. I don’t receive emails that many like I used to. Even if I do, I have come to a point where I delete the emails right after I read the subject!

But anyway I would love to chat with HCM again. Since I left Sapura, I haven’t been in contact with her that much. Yes, I admit that I “miss” her. Come to think of it, I miss all my friends especially those at UPD and Sapura. Perhaps I should give them a call someday.

The Turning Point

Along and I had a long discussion on Ops Lengkuas, what to do, how to do and etc. Dad told us about building this and that, but I said to him at the moment due to budget constraint I am unable to do it one shot. I couldn’t even get the pesticide because it is too expensive and my savings for Ops Lengkuas for this month has exhausted. I guess it’ll have to wait next month.

One thing I notice about Ops Lengkuas is that the project has brought us all together as a team. My parents and Along are contributing ideas on how to improve the land. The only person missing is Papa. He has not been in touch with me lately. I can understand that he’s busy, but there are times I am kind of disappointed with his attitude. I am not sure what’s forbidding him from talking to me or Along. I notice he has not been talking to us much like he used to.

Next week insya’Allah I will be going to Lengkuas again. I and Pakcik Isa have managed to clear up the area near the hut. Pakcik Isa later went further down to clear the way to the river. Once we reach the river on from the hut, we may be able to cover the first acre of the land. Perhaps by month end we would be able to clear the whole five acres, insya’Allah. I just hope Allah gives us strength and allows us to stay in good health.

I am doing three different jobs now. Firstly, there’s my permanent job, then there’s lecturing, and now Ops Lengkuas. I am eager to rip the benefits from Ops Lengkuas after a round of first level investment. So far I have invested around 35k, ranging from a 4x4 pickup, a new unit of Echo RM-315 bush cutter, a refurbished unit of chainsaw, a refurbished unit of Stihl bush cutter, and some other tools. So far I can see we’re making progress. Pakcik Isa teaches me a lot of tricks, sharing tips and tactics while working on the land. Insya’Allah, I really hope we can get our first ringgit by year end. I’m sure once we get that, I know I have reached a turning point.

Strength From Above

Adik got married the other day. I did not have the chance to attend his wedding because I had to give a lecture to some e-commerce students from UUM. At the same time my colleagues’ daughter got engaged on the same day. I had turn down all invitations because of the lecture.

Megat Nor Hafiz bin Megat Mohd Salleh a.k.a Adik was my staff when I was with SSM. I guess many people knew that he was one of the best guys in the team. From the day I met him until today, he has never once say “no” to whatever instructions given. I think although I’ve written much about him any words of mine could never express my gratefulness.

To Adik, selamat pengantin baru. Semoga Allah murahkan rezeki, panjangkan umur, dikurniakan Allah zuriat yang indah paras rupa, cantik budi bahasa, hormat orang tua dan taat perintah agama, dan dipanjangkan jodoh dunia akhirat.

I also missed a personal invitation from my fellow colleague Fuziatul Norseha Ishak whom I knew when I was with UPD Systems. He daughter, engineer Salina Roslan got engaged on the same day as Adik’s wedding.

I knew her daughter way some time ago when she was still studying. I don’t know much about her then, but I know she was studying engineering or something like that, of which similar to that of OM. In a way I could say we share some similarity there. I must say that I really enjoy her company as much as I enjoy talking to her about OM, academics, studies and the like. The rest is all history.

I only got to know a little bit of her achievements from her mother a.k.a Kak Fuzi. However judging from her photos in FB and her recent engagement, I bet she’s doing well in her career.

To IrSalina Roslan, I am terribly sorry for not attending your engagement on November 20, 2010. I’m a bit tight up with work and all, and insya’Allah beginning next month I’ll be a “one part manager, one part lecturer and two parts farmer”. You’re a big girl now and I’m sure your parents are happy to see you achieving the greatest heights in life. On my side, seeing you becoming a successful engineer is enough to portray my personal achievement in motivating another Malay Muslim. May Allah give you guidance along the way, and do not forget to pray for your parents, whom, I’m sure you’ll agree with me that without them you would never be where and who you are now. Once again, congratulations. God willing, insya’Allah, I will make it a point to see you and your parents on your wedding day.

I have planned to develop Lengkuas with Along. Since Along is far, he could only assist me in sharing information on how to organize the Ops Lengkuas project. Along has told me to stay focus if I intend to rip the benefits in the long run. Frankly speaking I know this is a do a die kind of thing. I should do something on the land while I still can. There’s no point to start developing the land at retirement age. I don’t even know whether I’d live that long in the first place!

I am very fortunate to have the support from some people. I managed to buy an old 4x4 Ford Courier by interest-free installments, Alhamdulillah. I also got the support in terms of tools and machinery. So far I’ve got a Husqvarna 136 chainsaw and Stihl FR88 bush cutter. Although those are old and used machines, all they need is a little bit touch up and servicing and they’re good to go.

When Along was in Lengkuas, we saw one of the durian trees is being attacked by termites. That doesn’t look good. Along said one of the best pesticide is Premise SC200. The cost per liter is RM530.00. That sure is expensive. But Along said considering the effectiveness of the pesticide, it is worth the price compared to the long term benefits.

Before I could start anything, I have to make sure that the Ford is in good shape. Insya’Allah I’ll be sending the Ford for servicing and some small modifications. After that Ops Lengkuas is ready to be executed.

May Allah give us strength.

Sudden Diversion

“You'll never know where life takes you” ~ Governor Arnold Schwazenegger.

After a few months of dramatic events, I can say that I am more stable right now as far as living life is concerned. Work has been very smooth, and things are very much relaxing now. I have been taking good care of myself besides the usual medication and visits to the hospital. No more heavy things to carry, less office matters to think of. In summary Alhamdulillah life is good. I just hope it carries on that way.

Since I have ample time at work, I start to concentrate on other personal matters. Of course the most important thing right now is The Goal.

Just a few days ago an old friend of mine IZ called. She offered me to do part time lecturing at a nearby college. Alhamdulillah, I will be able to make some extra income.

“Kita terangkan dulu, kemudian baru nampak apa boleh buat”, said Pakcik Isa, the gardener at my office. I took him and Along to Lengkuas to visit my orchid. Besides that Along also advises me on the technicality of bio-agriculture. Along mentioned there are a lot of things that can be done to improve the long unattended land.

Back at home I did some thinking. Mom has told me to develop the land. She has spent a lot bringing it up, and has passed on the legacy. It is now my responsibility to ensure the land could generate some income, or at least become a place where my family and friends can relax and unwind while enjoying fresh fruits.

For the next few months I might probably be busy going in and out of the five acre land. Some machines will be brought in to ease the clearing work. I have to make it happen this time after a few attempts. I’m not getting younger, so like it or not I have to do my best.

I also realize that spending more time on the land means I'll be diverting myself to a new kind of career. Having graduated with a postgraduate degree in IT doesn't necessarily mean I will retire as a CIO or something. So I guess this is a sudden diversion I make in life. I don't know whether it'll work. But insya'Allah with the right attitude and wisdom, I'd probably succeed. So yeah, you can never know where life takes you.

Fighting A Silent War

In most cases in life, fate of Allah swt overwrites our plans. There are many occasions whereby we predicted something and devoted ourselves into it but fate of Allah swt chips in and made it otherwise.

Well my life is no exception. It truly is a great experience, and as my elder brother puts it – very dramatic.

I have everything planned to work in KL and be with my parents. But the moment I landed and started to acclimatize myself, one by one my plans start to change. The true fact is I didn’t change them. It is all the work of Allah swt.

The past couple of months I have been going through many things – from dealing with Russians to talking to the cousin of our Yang Di Pertuan Agong. But the most challenging part and gripping experience was the day I was hospitalized and later ended up in the operating theatre of KJP Damansara Specialist Hospital.

I had my appendix removed. That’s one thing. I was rushed to the hospital after I complained of terrible pain on the abdominal part. The surgery which was supposed to be only an hour, but it lasted for three.

The day after the surgery, surgeon Dr. Naqiyah Ibrahim came to check on me and revealed something shocking. Apart from appendicitis, Naqiyah told me that I have a problem with my ‘meckel’s diverticulum’. What the hell is that?

“Meckels diverticulum is an embryological remnant tissue - majority of us would have had it all shriveled and lost but some of us would have the remnant ... how it works is not dissimilar to an appendix essentially – i.e. sometimes can get infected and causes symptoms similar to appendicitis. It can also cause intusucception especially in the young although not uncommon in the adults too. The latter just means the gut "telescope" into one another with the meckels as the focal point and when this happens it constricts the blood supply to the part of gut and can cause in worse case scenario ischemia (death of that part of gut)”, she explains.

The rest of the story is not important. I think I’ll save that for myself.

So there you have it. In three years, my body had been opened up twice. Life will not be as it used to be in the years to come. My list of allergy is growing, my movement is more restricted, the number of pills I have to take is more, and every visit to the doctor promises endless appointments.

I’ll be battling a silent war, so quiet that no one would even notice its presence. And this time I’ll be fighting it alone.

The Last Man Standing

August 5, 2010; 7 minutes to midnight.

Word document opened. In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

"I tender herewith my resignation as Systems Engineer... with effect from today..

....... to thank the Management for the knowledge shared and continuous support throughout my tenure..."

I look at it again. It sure is a hard decision.

After three plus years at the Company, and after ten long years in Perak, I finally decided to call it quits. I've made a lot of friends in the Company, met a lot of people from various backgrounds and learned many new things. But after some time I feel that it is time to be where I'm supposed to be, where I was born and raised as a child – the city of Kuala Lumpur – to face new challenges in the quest to reach for "The Goal".

It is not much of career development; rather it is mainly because I want to be close to my parents again. Mom has been ill lately, and dad is also not well due to asthmatic and hypertension. My parents had given everything to make sure I become somebody – time, money, prayers, you name it. I was sent overseas to study with their hard earned cash from their retirement benefits. They gave up their dreams to travel the whole world or drive a big car after they retired just to give me proper education. It is time to repay them. The least I could do is to be with them.

I must say that (other than the reason to be with my parents in KL) it is a sad ending for me with the Company. I lost three men under my supervision – two were dismissed when their contracts were not renewed, and one left after he was frustrated and later scolded harshly by the SM of Contact Centre. Other than that I also lost many good friends when they too decided to leave after the Company began ditching itself into a black hole.

I do not know what exactly went wrong with the Company. Everything was smooth in the early beginning when I joined back in 2007. I later pulled Adik and Kembar into the team and things were working perfectly. We had our first "OPS CENCON" at the end of 2007, where delivery, installation, testing and commissioning (DITC) of PCs and printers were done continuously after Local Orders were received one after another. That was when I slowly built a system for the preparation of SAP (Sijil Akuan Penerimaan) and SPP (Sijil Pengujian dan Pentauliahan) documents, which made it easier to prepare. I can say that the Company's Perak team was organized to cater mainly for MOE projects in the state.

The name "CENCON" is the acronym for MOE Central Contract. We use that term to differentiate the project with another MOE project which is the MOE Maintenance. The project code-numbered MOE (COM) A76/2007 covers the region of Batang Padang and Kinta.

During CENCON new delivery and communication processes were created, and special type of relationship bonds the team members. The project has created an identity of its own where there Company's presents is felt strongly among MOE officials. I was also told the team had managed to bring the Company to a level where it reaches the top three in terms of delivery and maintenance performance for MOE Central Contract project nationwide.

I have to say that I had a great time with the team members. The communication and collaboration effort were fantastic, with Jenny Liew at Operations department worked superbly well and close with us to ensure smooth delivery of all orders. Put in a scale percentage, I think the error made in CENCON is only about 2% throughout the project until May 31, 2010. We had other sub projects under CENCON like for example "OPS 420" (DITC to 14 schools, where we had our first experience installing the wall mounted projection screen). The name "OPS 420" was derived from the 420 units of PCs. We also had OPS RED103, where we 'illegally' penetrated to deliver CENCON items to schools in the regions that were not allocated to us.

My men, well, they were a bunch of great guys. Never before in my life I had come across a group of guys that would leave their family to voluntarily stay overnight at the office just to accompany and help me to prepare the CENCON documents. We've experienced 'chasing' the delivery trucks as early as 5am, and Adik nearly got electrocuted during a networking installation at a Tamil school in Tg. Rambutan. Those were among the experience we encountered.

Apart from the sweet memories we had, there were also events that left bitter reminiscences throughout the project. I was diagnosed with PID (prolapsed intervertebral disc) sometime during late 2007 after the first round of OPS CENCON's DITC. I went through a series of physiotherapy sessions before the doctor decided to perform a surgery on my lumbar four and five. The medical report stated that I suffered from severe spinal stenosis. After the surgery my life has changed a little bit. My movement is limited, and to a certain extent I couldn't even lift myself up from bed properly. But Alhamdulillah, I am still able to walk.

I guess the scar from the surgery is the one thing that shall remind me of the Company. The scar will be there forever, and it tells many stories – the pain, the laughter, the guys in the team, the long nights we spent at the office, Pangsun, and many more. The scar also witnesses the downfall of SSM in Perak.

It is not easy when you're at this level. You see, when you end up losing one of your men you tell yourself it happened so the Company can save cost and the livelihood of two, or three, or ten others... maybe a hundred others. I've lost twelve men under my command throughout my career in the supervisory and middle managerial level, and it was all because of management's decision. But that means I've helped the Company to save the livelihood of ten times that many, doesn't it? Or twenty times more, yes? And that's how simple it is! That's how you rationalize in making the choice between the survival of the Company and your men.

This so-called cost cutting measures by the Company better be worth it. The management had better bounce back to become the next blue chip company or the company with the highest share price or something. The truth is I wouldn't trade a company worth RM100 million for one Megat, or one Hazmir, or one Bro or one Ghaz.

Over the past decade I've been moving around the state and have seen many people of different cultures, attitudes and ways of living, etc. Sometimes when you see things, you tend to learn stuff as it resembles pure knowledge and wisdom. Sometimes it makes you wonder how they could survive the day with such little and limited resources. I feel grateful to be given the chance to live in a small kampong. I strongly feel that Allah has chosen me to be here to have a taste of life from a different angle which will make me a better person whenever I get back to the city, insya'Allah.

Back home when I tell people what I do for a living, they'd say, "well, that figures". But over here in this Company it is a whole big mystery.

So I guess I've changed, to some extent. Sometimes I wonder if I've changed so much that my wife is even going to recognize me whenever it is I get back to her, and how I will ever be able to tell her about days like today.

I have to apologize to all for not being able to stay and hold on. I think most of you could understand why. It is not about winning; it is about survival.

Much has been said and done, I think my journey in the Company ends here. Come next month, I will insya'Allah be in KL. Things will be very different then. And I am sure I'll be meeting familiar faces along the way.

As I ignite my car for the last time in front of the Company's office, I take some time looking at it from end to end. I'm going to miss everything here. The people are just great. They are simply irreplaceable.

Ghazali "Ghaz" Seman, Wan "Bro" Azlan, Megat "Adik" Norhafiz, and Hazmir "Kembar" Hamdan – we had such a wonderful time together as a team. Perhaps someday we should make an effort to run a business partnership together too. Insya'Allah we will meet again from time to time whenever I get back. I apologize to all should I have ever made harsh statements or said the wrong words. But believe me, deep inside I know you have worked hard and you have done your level best. Thank you, jazakAllah, from the bottom of my heart. May Allah bless you all always with happiness.

Dealing with operations has never been easy if it wasn't because of the analytical thinking of you, Jenny. I admire your spirit and wisdom, which makes you an expert in what you do. You have been very kind to us all, and nevertheless your witty character has never failed to light up my day. Thank you again, and God bless.

Nurarinawaty, I know what you're thinking. I've said it before that I'm going after The Goal, and it shall stay as it is. I know revenge is a very dangerous motivation, but that's what keeping me going on, going strong. Thank you very much for your support and encouragement. It has been great pleasure serving with you in TM project.

I think the same brainwave between me and Hazlina has made us a good thinking pair. The first time we met was at Mines, with you and your soft-bossy look and me with my stern-operations face. A few weeks later we were talking at your house during Eid. A million thanks to you for helping me to solve our financial issues. Hope to see you again sometime soon when I get down to Kampung Baru.

Khairil and Hijjaz were the two hardcore guys who helped us most in CENCON. You guys were great, and I can't thank you enough for the guidance and support. CENCON will not have taken off and flew up high if it wasn't for both of you.

Nothing beats the SSD team when it comes to assimilating data for cases. Lead by Zahari, the SSD has played a vital role in determining case priority and providing information to the tech team. There are grouches here and there, but overall SSD guys have been a great help not just to us in Perak, but I believe to all tech personnel. So Zahari and team, thank you very much for all your help not just in CENCON, but in all projects.

Fadzil, you brought me into this Company to manage DITC for CENCON. Alhamdulillah, as far as I can see, everything had gone well until the recent mishap. I am terribly sorry I had to break my promise (of not leaving until everything is over). You have helped me a lot, and I pray that Allah will shower you with happiness always. CENCON would have been a great successful project if it wasn't because of SSM tragedy.

I hope I didn't miss anyone. On behalf of Sapura Perak team, a very special thanks to all:

Man "Black" Norzan Mohammad Surida "Zanor" Mansasi Mas Kimi "Bloodletting" Faizah "Baby Comel" Nora "Daus" Abdullah Khaizul "Sak kok luh" Cherlyn "Kakak" Fadzil "Abang" Khalid Abdullah Mohd "Matkorie" Bakhary Wan Aziz Ili Nurdiana Azlan "Rock Head" Yasirah "Shera Tamaki" Ros "Kelate" Faisal Jailani Ishamuddin "Shaun" Malik Aswad Elia "Light saber" Faizah "Baby Comel" Asma "Kak Chik" Shida Sairi Linda "Adik Bongsu" and everyone else in SSM, thank you very much for everything.

I also would like to thank the SST Perak guys especially Safari Sudin for all the cooperation.

To all my friends in Kampung Baru, Kuala Lumpur and Kampung Tunku, Petaling Jaya – I'll be in town soon.

It looks now Ghaz has become The Last Man Standing.

The Midnight Stroll

July 29, 2010, Roslan Orthopedic Clinic, Pantai Hospital

“Ilyas, ni kena jaga betul-betul ni. Waktu surgery dulu, I removed the nucleus polposus kat dalam intervertebral disc yang ni… (drawing the lumbar four and five). Sekarang ni kalau you tak jaga posture, and the way you move and carry heavy load, there is a possibility dia jadi balik. Cumanya kali ni tak semestinya kat disc yang sama, but kat lumbar three and four.. atau moving upwards at one and two, or two and three”, explains Dr Roslan Razak, consultant orthopedic surgeon. He was the doctor who operated my spine in 2007. He then added, “At least you pandai jaga sebab bertahan sampai sekarang. Ada yang setahun je pun, dah jadi balik”.

I was in pain the night before. It really gave me the creeps because it felt like my spinal is injured. Luckily I still have some celebrex tablets. But still, my left leg is still painful. I had to crawl to the edge of the bed and drop my legs before I could stand up. Dr. Roslan gave me more celebrex tablets and also some neurontins. He said I should come back and see him in two weeks. In the mean time, it’s physio again. The SM of Contact Center had issued an email notifying everyone about frozen leaves. But heck, my MC from Dr. Roslan is legal. So I’m going off. At least my newly appointed superior KM is considerate by understanding my problem and advising me to take care of myself through his email.

July 30, 2010; corner of Jalan Daud, Kampung Baru.

“Huiyoo… tengok saper datang?”.

“Wey brader! Lu salah tempat ke? Ahahahaah…. Wey, bila lu sampai?. Ngapa muka lu macam rim bas Hino? Ahahaahh”

The guys greeted me with laughter. My old friends Choi, Mat Toy (who is also my cousin), Ayem and Puad were busy playing checkers when I arrived. The time was 10pm.

I wonder where my other cousin Jali is. He usually hangs out with others around this time.

“Jali dah pindah, dia pergi Senai. Kena transfer sana”, said Mat Toy.

“Laa… ngaper tak bagitau aku?”

“Dia lupa la tuh. Aritu dia kata nak tepon lu, tapi dia sebok kot. Wey, lu apa bikin sini?”, asked Choi.

“Aku ada exam. Aku amik exam agen insurance kat Damansara”

The rest of the night we talked about what’s new; our old friends, the once-a-hot girls, the usual stuff. There was laughter all night, with glasses of drink coming in one after another. Then Puad started the serious talk.
“Wey Yan, lu bila nak balik KL? Wa cakap lu ek, mak bapak lu dah tua bang. Nak harapkan Tapa (my younger brother), dia tu dok sibuk manjang dengan keje and tolong bisnes bini dia. Pak Ndak (the name they call my dad) ada cakap dengan wa pasal nak tarik lu balik KL. Lu budak KL, brader. Budak anak jati KL, bapak pun budak Kampung Baru. Apa barang lu bikin kat Ipoh tu? Balik la wey. At least abang lu dok Penang, taklah macam lu, ceruk ketiak gajah lu duduk!.”

I told him it is not me who does not want to come back to KL. It is fated that my job requires me to be in KL. I am not in a powerful position to overcome that. Although the Company sucks, I don’t see myself coming back in the near future.

I added, “Tapi aku akan cuba cari kerja kat KL ni. Aku dah tinggalkan KL lama sangat dah. Aku tau tu. Sabar-sabarlah. Insya’Allah satu hari nanti, aku akan balik jugak”. We then started singing while Puad plays the guitar. Overall the night was fun. For a moment I had forgotten about work.

Later closer to midnight, I took a stroll down town along Chow Kit, up until the end of Jalan TAR. The streets were still bustling with vehicles. Not knowing where else to go, I just accelerated and followed where my hands turn the steering wheel. There were so many things in my mind then. By the time I had realized where I was, my car stopped just a few blocks from a friend’s house at a Minang area in Cheras. I wonder if he would still remember me if I drive pass his house.

Ah well. He might probably be too busy to notice even if I stop in front of his gate, I thought. And so I left.

I reached my parents' house by 2am. Both mom and dad had gone to sleep. I changed my outfit and went to bed. I miss my friends at the Company, and my men.

Mom's Wish vs Personal Achievement

July 28, 2010; 6.40pm

I looked at the newly installed PCs on the tables which I had fixed earlier. For the past two days I’ve been working on the lab. Imagining a theatrical trailer, I said to myself.

“256 PCs…..

256 tables….

69 printers….

1 man….

Based on the number one best selling novel….

Ilyas Yahya… “My men and I sweated blood out there on the field just to make sure that people like you sit comfortably in your chair! You can’t even wear my shoes to do my work because you can’t even tie your shoes without permission, can you?!!”

Ghazali Seman… “This…. is madness. This is complete madness”

Jenny Liew…. “When I look at the truck load of tables… oh my God…!”

and Yahya Sulaiman… “You took an oath… you gave your word to the Islam…”

Paramount Pictures presents… this summer’s most electrifying motion picture….

“SEMESTA”

Miracles do happen, that’s what I always believe. Today, Alhamdulillah after spending two days at Semesta, I have managed to install 31 tables and 31 PCs completely. The best part is I did it all by myself. Yup… you heard me. I did it all by myself. Alone!

It felt good alright! Damn good! Now who said I can’t do it?! I bet none of the senior managers at the Company could accomplish that in two days, aye? All they know is talk, and talk, and more talking. Bloody *toot* *tooooot* @&%*. Then again, let them talk. Soon they’ll be out of topic to talk about, when whatever they say can be countered.

After maghrib prayers I start my long journey back home. I was so tired that I had to stop in Temoh. Looking at the name, I remember mom said that she was born here. I took out my phone and dialed her number. Dad answered.

“Angah, mak demam. Dah dua hari. Ayah dah pujuk dia gi klinik, tapi dia taknak”, he said. Dad himself sounded weak due to asthmatic.

“Angah, kalau ada peluang kerja kat KL, baliklah. Mak tu tak sihat. Lately mak pun dah lemah badan. Makan pun tak lalu. Mak patut pergi UH hari Selasa”, he added. I closed my eyes and think. I knew had to do something, and fast.

Ops SEMESTA: Lone Wolf

July 16, 2010

I was already at the library building at 20 to 7am. Zali joined me about 8am after breakfast with Bro. I reckon Bro was leaving to the hospital to see Dr. Roslan. So there you have it – just me and Zali, carrying all the boxes on our own to the top floor. Although it is just one floor high, it poses a big challenge when you do it for 132 times. My gastrocnemius muscle was beginning to show signs of stress and pain on my left leg. I had to stop a few times to reduce the pain.

Right after Friday prayers, I went back to the library to perform a ‘solo ops’ i.e. distributing the boxes of PCs and monitors to their respective computer labs. There were three computer labs, two access centers and one multimedia lab.

So there I was, alone. The sound of the squeaking wheels of the trolley seemed to be like a melody of a sentimental song. Deep in my thought, I wonder what would happen next. I lost three of my best men within a month – Adik, Kembar and Bro. That was and still is the most upsetting thing that has ever happened in my career. I could not bear the thought of seeing them leave.

I sat at a corner in the lab overlooking the academic building. I looked outside and my mind was playing the memories I had with my men. The great days of my team has come to an end. As I glimpsed the faces of my men, I can’t stop my tears from falling. I just had to cry my heart out. There I was alone in the lab crying like a five year old kid. Allah, am I a failure? Am I not a good leader?

Rain started to fall shortly after Asar. I had to leave my daydreaming for a while and move the whole 132 boxes of monitors further into the building so as not to let them get wet. I continued disbursing the boxes a bit more after that before successfully putting them all in the labs.

I left SEMESTA around 9pm. On the way I stopped over at a bank in Kampar to check my balance. I bit my lips when I saw only two ringgit and eighty-eight sen being shown on the monitor. Looks like the claims are still not in yet. I drove right away into the drizzling dark night like a lone wolf, downhearted.

Ops SEMESTA: Fall of "The Bro"

July 15, 2010.

At dawn, I woke up upon hearing the call for early morning prayers from the mosque nearby. Today is one important day where my team will move 132 boxes of PCs and 132 boxes of monitors from the temporary storage on the first floor of the academic building to the computer labs which are located on the first floor of the library. Good thing the school has a trolley which, from my initial sighting, could also be converted into a ramp to bring down those PCs.

The boxes will be carried through two staircases i.e. one going down to the ground floor at the academic building, and one going up to the first floor of the library. Since the trolley can be used as a ramp, moving the boxes down shall not be much of a problem. But carrying the boxes up to the first floor manually could really slow us down.

At 15kg each for PC and 4.5kg each for monitors, a total of 2.574 metric tons of weight will be carried by three men. That makes each one of us shall be carrying an average of 858kg throughout the process.

The process started at around 20 minutes to 9am. The plan was to move the boxes from the temporary store room at the office all the way to the last staircase at the east corner of the academic building. The distance is about 150 meters. Thanks to the trolleys, we were able to move the boxes by batches of 12 per cycle. Moving the PCs to the east corner of the academic building was not much of a challenge. We then used the trolley as a ramp to push down the boxes.

Just when I thought everything was okay, Bro suddenly fell when he was attacked by a muscle pain. Zali rushed to him and we could do nothing but to calm him down. He was in terrible pain, and from the looks of it, he seemed to be suffering of gluteus medius muscle strain. After battling with great internal muscle pain for about half an hour, Bro finally stood up and made his way back to the dormitory.

I looked at Zali, speechless.

“Allah, apalah nasib kita”, he griped. “Dahlah tinggal tiga orang, sekarang Bro pulak injured. Allah.”

I then stretched out on the tarmac. I just looked blankly to the ceiling at the pave way. Oh brother, life has got to be better than this! I wonder what’s going to happen next. I told Zali that we should bring down all the remaining boxes down before we take a break. But Zali has given up for that hour so we decided to stop for asar prayers.

Back at our dorm, Bro was still struggling to turn his body sideway. “Sakit, Yas”. I told him to relax while handed him a painkiller tablet which was given to me by Dr. Roslan. He looked up with puckered brows, “Yas, aku mintak maaf la. Aku rasa aku tak boleh nak join korang untuk habiskan kerja-kerja tu”. “It is okay, Bro. Get some rest”.

While waiting for Isyak prayers, I asked Zali about the rest of Ops SEMESTA. “Kalau ikutkan hati, aku pun benci buat kerja ni!. Kita kerja macam nak mati, orang lain dapat pergi Korea, team kita jadi kecik, kau pulak jadi kambing hitam… apa lagi?! Kalau tak kerana kau, aku memang takkan buat kerja ni. Aku akan senyum dan tengok je,” he complaints. I clearly understood his frustration. In this situation, who wouldn’t?

Right after Isyak, both Zali and I went back to the academic block to finish off what we started since morning. Zali didn’t talk much after that. We carried the boxes down one by one, until all the 132 boxes have been transferred under the stairs nearby the library. By the time I put the last box, it was already midnight and we finally call it quits. Tomorrow’s task would be to carry those boxes up the first floor to the labs. Zali had told me that he wanted to leave early because he had to drive down to KL for a family function. But he will assist me to bring those boxes up first before he leaves.

It looks like I’ll be disbursing the PCs to the labs on my own.

Ops SEMESTA: Go Figure!

Early morning of July 14, 2010.

I was driving through Tronoh Mines en route to Tapah when I got a call from the lorry driver. “Lias, lori sangkut kat Rawang! Overload, tayar dah panas ni ha. Jadi saya tunggu lori lagi satu datang, transfer barang. Saya mungkin lambat sikit, dalam lebih kurang pukul sepuluh setengah, begitulah”, he said.

First hiccup of the day, I thought.

In the mean time, Bro was already on his way. I alerted him about the delay. I need to think of something. There is a big pile of tables should be dropped in such a way that it is easy for my men to store the tables temporarily at the nearest classroom to the library on the ground floor, and it is also convenient for us to carry the tables to the first floor of the library (where the labs are). As I drove along the kampong settlement near Kampar, my mind was calculating the distance from the hall to the nearest spot before the stairs to the lab at the library. I had called the teacher in charge of the installation yesterday to have the porch at the hall emptied, so as to allow the lorry to park there to make it easier to access the pave way next to the hall.

Two obstacles that I can remember – first, there is a one-step high ground about 100 meters from the drop point. With 300kg of load on a trolley for each trip, it is merely impossible to move the load up the higher pave way to the classroom near the ground floor of the library.

Secondly, the tables are weighted at 18kg each. That means 256 tables’ total weight is about 4.6 tonnes. To carry the tables up to the first floor is partly a pain in the ass.

The 300kg per trip on the trolley can be easier if there’s a ramp. I recon there was a metal drain cover grill at the parking garage at the hall. I just hope it can be taken out so that we could use it as a ramp. That solves part of the problem for the one-step higher ground. Well, IF it works.

My greatest fear is injury. I have a history of slip disc, where the disc between lumbar four and five was dislocated sometime ago. Carrying heavy load worries me somehow because I remember Dr. Roslan said if I’m not careful, I may have the same problem again. At the same time, Bro has got the same problem too, only he didn’t undergo surgery because his was not as severe as mine. The only person who is fit (well, he should be) is Zali. But today Zali is not with us. He’s still in Ipoh to settle some cases and delivery of printers for CENCON order at SK Marian Convent.

As the driver parked his 1 tonne lorry, he was surprised to see me and Bro at the garage. “Korang berdua jer?”

“Yup, kami berdua je”, replied Bro. I could see the driver raised his eyebrows. Luckily he brought his trolley along, so that added some relieve.

And so there we were transferring the tables to the classroom. The ramp was there, and the whole process took about three hours. As usual there were some complaints about the management and the technical team was being mistreated. The lorry driver threw a question at me, “Lias, apa pendapat kau? Semua budak-budak tech ramai yang resign. Team korang pun tinggal berdua bila Bro berhenti”.

“Takpelah. Allah Maha Kaya. Saya masih ada kudrat untuk buat kerja-kerja ni semua. It can be done”.

There was absolute silence for a few minutes. I guess Bro understood my principle, and he shared his thought with the lorry driver.

By the time the call for Isyak prayers were heard, Zali arrived from Ipoh. We went out for a quick dinner and came back to carry those tables up the stairs to the first floor of the library. By midnight, we managed to carry 132 tables and AVRs. Tomorrow we’ll be carrying 132 PCs, 132 monitors and about 20 units of printers from the office to the library.

Calculate this:
1 unit of PC = 15kg
1 unit of monitor = 4.5kg
1 unit of printer = 13kg
Number of stairs to go through = two, i.e. one going down for one floor (from the office down to the library pave way), and one going up for one floor (from the pave way to the lab at the library building).
Total distance = about 250 meters.
Number of person = three (two with slip disc problems, so that makes it… hmmm.. one and a half!)

Tell me how many kilojoule of energy is needed. Go figure!

Ops SEMESTA

July 12, 2010; Tapah.

I look at my watch while leaning myself to the wall. It is twenty past three in the afternoon. The hot weather seems unbearable. I have been here at this school’s building for a couple of hours, planning for the drop shipment of one of the most biggest and most tedious delivery and installation of ICT items in the history of CENCON – Ops SEMESTA.

Among the items include 256 units of PCs, 69 units of laserjet printers, 256 units of tables, 17 units of projectors, 3 units of server s, 256 units of AVRs, and a few other various peripherals all listed in one single local order. The units will be installed at different places throughout the school complex with different combination of items.

The PCs comes in a set of two boxes which comprise of CPU terminal and a LCD monitor. So altogether there are 512 boxes, each totaling about 17 kilograms. The PCs have arrived earlier and is currently stored in one of the rooms on the first floor of the administration building together with the printers and servers. On the day the PCs arrived, Adik joined Zali and Bro to bring those PCs up to the store room and it took them almost six hours.

On Wednesday July 14, all three of us (Zali, Bro and I) will be going to Tapah to receive the goods. Some of the goods arrived last week. Bro is still doing what he could to help while he still can. If the installation is dragged for more than a week, that means we all have to come back and complete the whole installation, testing and commissioning of all the ICT items.

I know what’s on your mind. I am left with only Zali when Bro leaves next week. I am fully aware of that. Just this morning Jenny called and told me that she nearly fainted when she saw the 256 units of tables for SEMESTA. I know the numbers are big and there are only three of us to do the whole installation.

But then again, what is there to be afraid of? Miracles do happen, and I believe although we are short of manpower, we could still finish up the whole installation process. With proper planning, the most difficult task can be accomplished like a snap of a finger. After all, “Hey, ni Ilyas la. If NASA can shoot a washing machine up to the sky, I can sure bring it down!”.

One Day In Your Life

Sunday, July 4, 2010.

I was on my way back from KL when I heard this old song on the radio. I was so touched by the lyrics and beautiful melody.

One day in your life
you'll remember a place
Someone's touching your face
You'll come back and you'll look around you

One day in your life
You'll remember the love you found here
You'll remember me somehow
Though you don't need me now
I will stay in your heart
And when things fall apart
You'll remember one day...

One day in your life
When you find that you're always waiting
For the love we used to share
Just call my name
And I'll be there

You'll remember me somehow
Though you don't need me now
I will stay in your heart
And when things fall apart
You'll remember one day...

One day in your life
When you find that you're always longing
for the love we used to share
Just call my name
And I'll be there

For the past few weeks work has been miserable, more than nightmare in a day or two as I could recall. I have witnessed my two best men left their battle posts last month, and just a couple of days ago another one of my staff decided to end his career in the Company. He has not got a job as we speak. I reckon the same issues of inability to withstand the financial burden, added with an incident of brutal mental torture over the phone by one of the senior managers.

HCM sent me a message over the phone, “Have you talked it over with him? Kenapa boleh sampai berhenti? Dia dah ada kerja lain ke?”

I told HCM that I did not provoke him to leave, nor to stop him from leaving. It was entirely up to him. So Wan ‘Bro’ Azlan’s last day would be in about three weeks.

Good question, “what’s next?”

“Kita buatlah apa yang termampu”, said Zali. “Lagipun, apa yang Allah bagi keizinan kita buat, kita buatlah. Selebihnya, kita berserah”. He’s got a point.


I was in KL to visit my wife’s granduncle. To cut the story short, this granduncle of hers known as Atuk Cik is a well-mannered man, a person who “people would seek to cure the pain in the soul”. Being a ‘board member’ of Darul Syifa’, Atuk Cik has always been the center of reference whenever his relatives bump into a brick wall.

“Ko pergilah jumpa dia, Lias”, said Andak Ipah, my wife’s aunt. And so I went.

When I was at his house there was a part where he said, “Ni hati ni marah je ni, bengkek je”. Though he puts it in a joking manner, I fully understand what he meant. I admit that I sometimes look at others with a sarcastic face, and speak with sharp, low-toned harsh words. That is something I inherited from my father.

He taught me some stuff that I need to practice, and apply as norms of life. I guess from now on I will have to start changing the way I look and do things. I don’t know whether it or not it would work but heck, its worth to try. The most important thing is to believe in myself that I could do it, with the help of Allah swt.

I wonder what happen to my application that I sent through NA. I must say that it would be a dream come true if I have the chance to work in the aviation industry. Perhaps by then I can say that I believe I can fly!

Wishing Life Would Be Better

Penang, June 25, 2010.

"Happy birthday to you! Moga dipanjangkan usia dan dimurahkan rezeki", text message by YA. I smiled. Once a while it feels good to receive well-wishes messages.

I'm in Penang to settle some stuff here. I just hope it's worth the trip.

On this day I was born 36 years ago, I just wish life would be better.

All for Free

“Lee!”, shouts IZ. He just arrived at Ipoh railway station for a so-called field trip.

He then asked, “I heard your team is ditched to the ground. What happen?”

“Let’s just say we got hit by loose cannon. I lost two of my men. Shithead!” I grumbled.

“I’ve told you so, haven’t I?”

“Look! If you come here to see me just to tell me that I have failed to keep my team together, I’m not interested. It was not my call.” I started to be aggressive.

We both stopped at a stall for a drink. It really was a very hot day.

“Hey, if I ask you… how much is your price if I want you to turn your back on the management of the Company and tear the Company apart, what would you say?”

I took my time and sipped the delicious ABC.

I then looked straight at his face, “After much consideration, and after what the Company has done to me, my men, and my friends,…. I would do it for free!”

It's Not Worth The Pain

June 19, 2010.

I had taken a short nap in the afternoon. In the morning I was busy reorganizing my database to prepare for the major installation at SMS Tapah. I was told by Mei Kwan that delivery shall take place sometime next week.

Soon as I woke up and tried to get up, I felt this pain in my left leg. It was painful enough to pull me back in bed to stretch my legs for a moment. I knew that feeling – it is a sign that I might once again be facing the acute lumbar spinal stenosis. I’ve had the problem before and now with all the rough work and long drives on the road, I am sure it will come back.

Instantly my mind thought of PM Care medical card. I’ve known previously I couldn’t use the medical card due to lapse of payment by the Company to PM Care. I have to now rely on my insurance in case I have to (in worse scenario) undergo another surgery. Then again, I have not being paying my insurance premium regularly because of shortage of funds and this is due to increase in debt. As the Company withholds my claims, I find it hard to support my expenses and had to forego some regular payments including insurance.

The best alternative for now is to make sure that the pain doesn’t further deteriorate. One way to do that is to increase the neurobion pills and actively perform my own physiotherapy. But those two does not guarantee the pain would go away within the next few months because with the number of calls coming in and the shortage of men in my team, I would still have to go out and settle those calls.

Perhaps I should call it quits. I don’t see any point of continuing to work for the Company and risk having to deal with the pain every night. It may seem that I have no choice for now, but I have to figure something out and it has to be fast. Suddenly I feel that it’s either I quit, or I’d lose my legs!

The Empty Desks

Circa May 2007, at a food stall in Tronoh known as Fiza’s port.

“Aku suruh korang datang sini jumpa aku sebab aku nak beritahu korang berdua yang korang berdua dah dapat surat untuk join team aku officially. Aku tahu korang berdua nak kerja, so this is the least I could do to help. Alhamdulillah, management dah terima korang… so kerjalah elok-elok. Apa-apa masalah, jumpa aku terus….”

Those were the words I said to Adik and Kembar about three years ago. That time I had known both of them when I was still with UPD. Our friendship continues and when I came into SSM and was given the chance to pull in another two guys, I immediately called them in.

Both of them combined with Bro and Zali have been the best team one could ever imagine. They never question their superior’s decisions, express their disagreement in a very polite manner, very hardworking, and in most of all have demonstrated professionalism in their work.

I have worked with two different teams throughout my career in the supervisory level. The UPD team was dealing more on software, while the SSM team is more to hardware. One main thing I learn about both teams is that good team members are hard to come by. Until today, the members of the UPD team are still in contact with me and we meet once in a while.

June 16, 2010.

“Hi all,

I will be on leave from tomorrow until end of the month, so it can be considered today is my last day working with Sapura… after 3 wonderful years with the company.”

That was Adik’s last words in his email. I look at it in despair. It was three years ago when I sat with both of them in Tronoh, briefing them about taking them into Perak team. Today, I am totally speechless and I can’t find any word to comfort myself, let alone to comfort them.

At 6pm sharp, Adik and Kembar walked out the door and shall never return. I look at their empty desks…

No words can describe how hopeless I was when I saw Adik’s car leaving the office. I had lost nine men under my command when I was with UPD, and now I lost another two with SSM. In both occasions, it was because of management mishap.

I was so depressed that I had to cry while I was driving home. The world really is a place of unfair competitions. But being Muslims, I have to believe that whatever happens is truly nothing but fate of almighty Allah.

“Sabarlah. Semua ada hikmahnya”, said YA. I wiped by tears away. I stopped at the Keledang junction and read her text message again and again. I guess that was the most comforting message so far.

I wouldn’t feel so upset if any of my men leaves the team for a better offer, or in other words, resigns. But in Adik’s and Kembar’s case, their contracts were terminated. Being their immediate supervisor, I have to look at them packing their stuff with that look of frustration on their faces. The worse part is not being able to do anything.

HCM said to me, “It’s beyond your control. I also feel sad when first two of my staff left. Nangis masa farewell tapi no more. Better for them actually”. She’s right, in a way. Still I find it hard to swallow for the time being.

Life has to go on. Tomorrow I will be driving around the state to settle whatever cases I can. With limited sources in hand, I doubt I can cover everything. The best thing to do right now is just to clear up whatever I could. Those beyond my capability, I shall leave it up to Allah to decide.

It may take a while for me to swallow all this. It hurts me really bad, I must say. It really hurts.

“Oh brother..”

Be Forgotten

Friday, June 11 2010.

I drove to WM to meet up with SN, HCM and NFZ. I have been looking forward to meet them all especially HCM. I need to know what’s new.

Much of what she said was unpleasant. SN however said, “…the other day dalam meeting, K was continuously talking about SG closing down. I don’t know whether it was a joke… she was laughing about it”

It ain’t matter. It is something new, though.

I drove along the Damansara – Puchong highway and take a left turn just before a fuel station. I am going to see Datin Seri Hajjah Jessimah, who was my teacher during primary school. She has cancer.

“Sabarlah Ilyas. Setidak-tidaknya Ilyas sihat, tidak seperti saya. Itu jauh lebih penting”, she said when I told her about my work and all.

Mr. Chong King Lee then chipped in.

“Ilyas, wealth is like the rambutan tree leaves. If you don’t do anything, the leaves won’t come falling into your hands. You have to do something to get it. You cannot give up. You should not be frightened by your surrounding” he says.

Life has got to be better than this!

Just the other day I emailed to Lim about Adik’s and Kembar’s extension. Today both of them emailed me and said that both are not interested to further their contract period. Kembar has signed an agreement with Epoi, while Adik has his own plans.

Zali came into the office just minutes before lunch. “Aku masuk awal pun, apa aku nak buat? Nak attend case, duit takde. Dari aku duduk saja, baik aku pergi ronda cari kerja, tengok iklan mana-mana.... paling kurang pun, aku layan anak-anak kat rumah. Jimat duit minyak!”. He’s got a point.

Since some of my colleagues moved to WM, I notice things are not as what it used to be. Communication is limited, and friendship is now at risk. I now know things are just not the same anymore. The usual sweet conversations we’ve had has turned into sour hellos, and the enthusiastic feeling of being in the office for long hours just to say goodbye to a pleasant day has suddenly vanished. I wonder if I’m losing the ‘Minang’ spirit too. That’s the last thing I need.

I sat at the corner of my desk and browsed through some photos of my colleagues just to cheer myself up. I was in a conversation with one of them this morning. That too sounded like talking to a stranger or a friend with nothing in common although previously we were close. I bet sooner or later I will be forgotten.