Leaving The Memories Behind

Recently some old friends from primary school talked about having a gathering to commemorate the 25th year since we left the school. My wall in facebook is filled with lots of comments and jokes and some are very hilarious. There are also some friends whom I have not seen again for a very long time since the last day I stepped out of the school gate. Since most of my friends were born and raised in KL and are currently working in the big city, the way they were brought up resembles the way they think, speak and decide. Not to mention – joke. Although most jokes I find funny and witty, there are some of them which I think is rather “made the old wound bleeds”.

You see, when I was a kid I kind of screw up my life. I did something awfully bad until the whole school witnessed the discipline teacher smacked me with three stokes of rattan. It was a big hoo-haa then when even a magistrate attorney sent the school a note to tell the principal not to cane students in public to avoid other younger students from being ‘traumatized’.

That was then. Time flies very fast and now I have changed. Just as much as I do not want to remember those dark days in school, the memories keep haunting me now and then. It is not a big deal though. However some people have this habit of stigmatism towards others and I’m not comfortable at all with it. What happened was, this friend of mind opened up a subject and discussed about what I had done during that time, the chronology and everything. Although some of the facts were wrongly expressed, I still feel uncomfortable with her comments and statements.

Now I am uncertain whether or not I should attend the gathering. What is the point of going if all I hear is people talking about what I had done a long time ago? So I thought perhaps I should leave my primary school’s group in facebook – which I did – to make me feel better. Come to think of it, I have not been contacting my old friends ever since I left for Aotearoa. I survived, so I guess I could still survive even without having them around. Vice versa, I don’t think they would even notice my disappearance.

I’m very much comfortable with my life now. I’m away from the bustling city most of the time; I have a wonderful family, a nice cozy house, an orchard, a car to travel in, and my PC games. I couldn’t ask for more.

Some memories are just not meant to be remembered.

Missing This and That

My life has been smooth lately – work is, well, work. Then I have my lecturing series, and Ops Lengkuas is gaining momentum. Alhamdulillah, I have no complains. The only thing that got me a little bit frustrated was my old Ford 4x4 Courier’s wheel went flat twice. Knowing a 4x4 truck, the tyres are heavy and changing the spare tyre is an enormously tiring process. Nevertheless it is such a challenge especially when you’re in the middle of the jungle, in the rain and the ground is soft that you couldn’t even stabilize the car jack. But it was indeed a good experience, though. Not to mention, each tyre would cost me around RM480. So imagine having to change a pair.....

Mom is not well. She will be going a minor O&G surgery (well, that’s what she says) at the end of the month. I have made arrangements to be with her on that day. The ironic part is that I am also scheduled to see the doctor for my routine checkup. I guess I just have to postpone that to some other day.

HCM called me the other day. I wonder why. I know I should get a blackberry, but then again it would be a misallocation of funds because I just upgraded my broadband line at home and besides I feel that I don’t think I would utilize it that much. I don’t receive emails that many like I used to. Even if I do, I have come to a point where I delete the emails right after I read the subject!

But anyway I would love to chat with HCM again. Since I left Sapura, I haven’t been in contact with her that much. Yes, I admit that I “miss” her. Come to think of it, I miss all my friends especially those at UPD and Sapura. Perhaps I should give them a call someday.

The Turning Point

Along and I had a long discussion on Ops Lengkuas, what to do, how to do and etc. Dad told us about building this and that, but I said to him at the moment due to budget constraint I am unable to do it one shot. I couldn’t even get the pesticide because it is too expensive and my savings for Ops Lengkuas for this month has exhausted. I guess it’ll have to wait next month.

One thing I notice about Ops Lengkuas is that the project has brought us all together as a team. My parents and Along are contributing ideas on how to improve the land. The only person missing is Papa. He has not been in touch with me lately. I can understand that he’s busy, but there are times I am kind of disappointed with his attitude. I am not sure what’s forbidding him from talking to me or Along. I notice he has not been talking to us much like he used to.

Next week insya’Allah I will be going to Lengkuas again. I and Pakcik Isa have managed to clear up the area near the hut. Pakcik Isa later went further down to clear the way to the river. Once we reach the river on from the hut, we may be able to cover the first acre of the land. Perhaps by month end we would be able to clear the whole five acres, insya’Allah. I just hope Allah gives us strength and allows us to stay in good health.

I am doing three different jobs now. Firstly, there’s my permanent job, then there’s lecturing, and now Ops Lengkuas. I am eager to rip the benefits from Ops Lengkuas after a round of first level investment. So far I have invested around 35k, ranging from a 4x4 pickup, a new unit of Echo RM-315 bush cutter, a refurbished unit of chainsaw, a refurbished unit of Stihl bush cutter, and some other tools. So far I can see we’re making progress. Pakcik Isa teaches me a lot of tricks, sharing tips and tactics while working on the land. Insya’Allah, I really hope we can get our first ringgit by year end. I’m sure once we get that, I know I have reached a turning point.

Strength From Above

Adik got married the other day. I did not have the chance to attend his wedding because I had to give a lecture to some e-commerce students from UUM. At the same time my colleagues’ daughter got engaged on the same day. I had turn down all invitations because of the lecture.

Megat Nor Hafiz bin Megat Mohd Salleh a.k.a Adik was my staff when I was with SSM. I guess many people knew that he was one of the best guys in the team. From the day I met him until today, he has never once say “no” to whatever instructions given. I think although I’ve written much about him any words of mine could never express my gratefulness.

To Adik, selamat pengantin baru. Semoga Allah murahkan rezeki, panjangkan umur, dikurniakan Allah zuriat yang indah paras rupa, cantik budi bahasa, hormat orang tua dan taat perintah agama, dan dipanjangkan jodoh dunia akhirat.

I also missed a personal invitation from my fellow colleague Fuziatul Norseha Ishak whom I knew when I was with UPD Systems. He daughter, engineer Salina Roslan got engaged on the same day as Adik’s wedding.

I knew her daughter way some time ago when she was still studying. I don’t know much about her then, but I know she was studying engineering or something like that, of which similar to that of OM. In a way I could say we share some similarity there. I must say that I really enjoy her company as much as I enjoy talking to her about OM, academics, studies and the like. The rest is all history.

I only got to know a little bit of her achievements from her mother a.k.a Kak Fuzi. However judging from her photos in FB and her recent engagement, I bet she’s doing well in her career.

To IrSalina Roslan, I am terribly sorry for not attending your engagement on November 20, 2010. I’m a bit tight up with work and all, and insya’Allah beginning next month I’ll be a “one part manager, one part lecturer and two parts farmer”. You’re a big girl now and I’m sure your parents are happy to see you achieving the greatest heights in life. On my side, seeing you becoming a successful engineer is enough to portray my personal achievement in motivating another Malay Muslim. May Allah give you guidance along the way, and do not forget to pray for your parents, whom, I’m sure you’ll agree with me that without them you would never be where and who you are now. Once again, congratulations. God willing, insya’Allah, I will make it a point to see you and your parents on your wedding day.

I have planned to develop Lengkuas with Along. Since Along is far, he could only assist me in sharing information on how to organize the Ops Lengkuas project. Along has told me to stay focus if I intend to rip the benefits in the long run. Frankly speaking I know this is a do a die kind of thing. I should do something on the land while I still can. There’s no point to start developing the land at retirement age. I don’t even know whether I’d live that long in the first place!

I am very fortunate to have the support from some people. I managed to buy an old 4x4 Ford Courier by interest-free installments, Alhamdulillah. I also got the support in terms of tools and machinery. So far I’ve got a Husqvarna 136 chainsaw and Stihl FR88 bush cutter. Although those are old and used machines, all they need is a little bit touch up and servicing and they’re good to go.

When Along was in Lengkuas, we saw one of the durian trees is being attacked by termites. That doesn’t look good. Along said one of the best pesticide is Premise SC200. The cost per liter is RM530.00. That sure is expensive. But Along said considering the effectiveness of the pesticide, it is worth the price compared to the long term benefits.

Before I could start anything, I have to make sure that the Ford is in good shape. Insya’Allah I’ll be sending the Ford for servicing and some small modifications. After that Ops Lengkuas is ready to be executed.

May Allah give us strength.

Sudden Diversion

“You'll never know where life takes you” ~ Governor Arnold Schwazenegger.

After a few months of dramatic events, I can say that I am more stable right now as far as living life is concerned. Work has been very smooth, and things are very much relaxing now. I have been taking good care of myself besides the usual medication and visits to the hospital. No more heavy things to carry, less office matters to think of. In summary Alhamdulillah life is good. I just hope it carries on that way.

Since I have ample time at work, I start to concentrate on other personal matters. Of course the most important thing right now is The Goal.

Just a few days ago an old friend of mine IZ called. She offered me to do part time lecturing at a nearby college. Alhamdulillah, I will be able to make some extra income.

“Kita terangkan dulu, kemudian baru nampak apa boleh buat”, said Pakcik Isa, the gardener at my office. I took him and Along to Lengkuas to visit my orchid. Besides that Along also advises me on the technicality of bio-agriculture. Along mentioned there are a lot of things that can be done to improve the long unattended land.

Back at home I did some thinking. Mom has told me to develop the land. She has spent a lot bringing it up, and has passed on the legacy. It is now my responsibility to ensure the land could generate some income, or at least become a place where my family and friends can relax and unwind while enjoying fresh fruits.

For the next few months I might probably be busy going in and out of the five acre land. Some machines will be brought in to ease the clearing work. I have to make it happen this time after a few attempts. I’m not getting younger, so like it or not I have to do my best.

I also realize that spending more time on the land means I'll be diverting myself to a new kind of career. Having graduated with a postgraduate degree in IT doesn't necessarily mean I will retire as a CIO or something. So I guess this is a sudden diversion I make in life. I don't know whether it'll work. But insya'Allah with the right attitude and wisdom, I'd probably succeed. So yeah, you can never know where life takes you.

Fighting A Silent War

In most cases in life, fate of Allah swt overwrites our plans. There are many occasions whereby we predicted something and devoted ourselves into it but fate of Allah swt chips in and made it otherwise.

Well my life is no exception. It truly is a great experience, and as my elder brother puts it – very dramatic.

I have everything planned to work in KL and be with my parents. But the moment I landed and started to acclimatize myself, one by one my plans start to change. The true fact is I didn’t change them. It is all the work of Allah swt.

The past couple of months I have been going through many things – from dealing with Russians to talking to the cousin of our Yang Di Pertuan Agong. But the most challenging part and gripping experience was the day I was hospitalized and later ended up in the operating theatre of KJP Damansara Specialist Hospital.

I had my appendix removed. That’s one thing. I was rushed to the hospital after I complained of terrible pain on the abdominal part. The surgery which was supposed to be only an hour, but it lasted for three.

The day after the surgery, surgeon Dr. Naqiyah Ibrahim came to check on me and revealed something shocking. Apart from appendicitis, Naqiyah told me that I have a problem with my ‘meckel’s diverticulum’. What the hell is that?

“Meckels diverticulum is an embryological remnant tissue - majority of us would have had it all shriveled and lost but some of us would have the remnant ... how it works is not dissimilar to an appendix essentially – i.e. sometimes can get infected and causes symptoms similar to appendicitis. It can also cause intusucception especially in the young although not uncommon in the adults too. The latter just means the gut "telescope" into one another with the meckels as the focal point and when this happens it constricts the blood supply to the part of gut and can cause in worse case scenario ischemia (death of that part of gut)”, she explains.

The rest of the story is not important. I think I’ll save that for myself.

So there you have it. In three years, my body had been opened up twice. Life will not be as it used to be in the years to come. My list of allergy is growing, my movement is more restricted, the number of pills I have to take is more, and every visit to the doctor promises endless appointments.

I’ll be battling a silent war, so quiet that no one would even notice its presence. And this time I’ll be fighting it alone.

The Last Man Standing

August 5, 2010; 7 minutes to midnight.

Word document opened. In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

"I tender herewith my resignation as Systems Engineer... with effect from today..

....... to thank the Management for the knowledge shared and continuous support throughout my tenure..."

I look at it again. It sure is a hard decision.

After three plus years at the Company, and after ten long years in Perak, I finally decided to call it quits. I've made a lot of friends in the Company, met a lot of people from various backgrounds and learned many new things. But after some time I feel that it is time to be where I'm supposed to be, where I was born and raised as a child – the city of Kuala Lumpur – to face new challenges in the quest to reach for "The Goal".

It is not much of career development; rather it is mainly because I want to be close to my parents again. Mom has been ill lately, and dad is also not well due to asthmatic and hypertension. My parents had given everything to make sure I become somebody – time, money, prayers, you name it. I was sent overseas to study with their hard earned cash from their retirement benefits. They gave up their dreams to travel the whole world or drive a big car after they retired just to give me proper education. It is time to repay them. The least I could do is to be with them.

I must say that (other than the reason to be with my parents in KL) it is a sad ending for me with the Company. I lost three men under my supervision – two were dismissed when their contracts were not renewed, and one left after he was frustrated and later scolded harshly by the SM of Contact Centre. Other than that I also lost many good friends when they too decided to leave after the Company began ditching itself into a black hole.

I do not know what exactly went wrong with the Company. Everything was smooth in the early beginning when I joined back in 2007. I later pulled Adik and Kembar into the team and things were working perfectly. We had our first "OPS CENCON" at the end of 2007, where delivery, installation, testing and commissioning (DITC) of PCs and printers were done continuously after Local Orders were received one after another. That was when I slowly built a system for the preparation of SAP (Sijil Akuan Penerimaan) and SPP (Sijil Pengujian dan Pentauliahan) documents, which made it easier to prepare. I can say that the Company's Perak team was organized to cater mainly for MOE projects in the state.

The name "CENCON" is the acronym for MOE Central Contract. We use that term to differentiate the project with another MOE project which is the MOE Maintenance. The project code-numbered MOE (COM) A76/2007 covers the region of Batang Padang and Kinta.

During CENCON new delivery and communication processes were created, and special type of relationship bonds the team members. The project has created an identity of its own where there Company's presents is felt strongly among MOE officials. I was also told the team had managed to bring the Company to a level where it reaches the top three in terms of delivery and maintenance performance for MOE Central Contract project nationwide.

I have to say that I had a great time with the team members. The communication and collaboration effort were fantastic, with Jenny Liew at Operations department worked superbly well and close with us to ensure smooth delivery of all orders. Put in a scale percentage, I think the error made in CENCON is only about 2% throughout the project until May 31, 2010. We had other sub projects under CENCON like for example "OPS 420" (DITC to 14 schools, where we had our first experience installing the wall mounted projection screen). The name "OPS 420" was derived from the 420 units of PCs. We also had OPS RED103, where we 'illegally' penetrated to deliver CENCON items to schools in the regions that were not allocated to us.

My men, well, they were a bunch of great guys. Never before in my life I had come across a group of guys that would leave their family to voluntarily stay overnight at the office just to accompany and help me to prepare the CENCON documents. We've experienced 'chasing' the delivery trucks as early as 5am, and Adik nearly got electrocuted during a networking installation at a Tamil school in Tg. Rambutan. Those were among the experience we encountered.

Apart from the sweet memories we had, there were also events that left bitter reminiscences throughout the project. I was diagnosed with PID (prolapsed intervertebral disc) sometime during late 2007 after the first round of OPS CENCON's DITC. I went through a series of physiotherapy sessions before the doctor decided to perform a surgery on my lumbar four and five. The medical report stated that I suffered from severe spinal stenosis. After the surgery my life has changed a little bit. My movement is limited, and to a certain extent I couldn't even lift myself up from bed properly. But Alhamdulillah, I am still able to walk.

I guess the scar from the surgery is the one thing that shall remind me of the Company. The scar will be there forever, and it tells many stories – the pain, the laughter, the guys in the team, the long nights we spent at the office, Pangsun, and many more. The scar also witnesses the downfall of SSM in Perak.

It is not easy when you're at this level. You see, when you end up losing one of your men you tell yourself it happened so the Company can save cost and the livelihood of two, or three, or ten others... maybe a hundred others. I've lost twelve men under my command throughout my career in the supervisory and middle managerial level, and it was all because of management's decision. But that means I've helped the Company to save the livelihood of ten times that many, doesn't it? Or twenty times more, yes? And that's how simple it is! That's how you rationalize in making the choice between the survival of the Company and your men.

This so-called cost cutting measures by the Company better be worth it. The management had better bounce back to become the next blue chip company or the company with the highest share price or something. The truth is I wouldn't trade a company worth RM100 million for one Megat, or one Hazmir, or one Bro or one Ghaz.

Over the past decade I've been moving around the state and have seen many people of different cultures, attitudes and ways of living, etc. Sometimes when you see things, you tend to learn stuff as it resembles pure knowledge and wisdom. Sometimes it makes you wonder how they could survive the day with such little and limited resources. I feel grateful to be given the chance to live in a small kampong. I strongly feel that Allah has chosen me to be here to have a taste of life from a different angle which will make me a better person whenever I get back to the city, insya'Allah.

Back home when I tell people what I do for a living, they'd say, "well, that figures". But over here in this Company it is a whole big mystery.

So I guess I've changed, to some extent. Sometimes I wonder if I've changed so much that my wife is even going to recognize me whenever it is I get back to her, and how I will ever be able to tell her about days like today.

I have to apologize to all for not being able to stay and hold on. I think most of you could understand why. It is not about winning; it is about survival.

Much has been said and done, I think my journey in the Company ends here. Come next month, I will insya'Allah be in KL. Things will be very different then. And I am sure I'll be meeting familiar faces along the way.

As I ignite my car for the last time in front of the Company's office, I take some time looking at it from end to end. I'm going to miss everything here. The people are just great. They are simply irreplaceable.

Ghazali "Ghaz" Seman, Wan "Bro" Azlan, Megat "Adik" Norhafiz, and Hazmir "Kembar" Hamdan – we had such a wonderful time together as a team. Perhaps someday we should make an effort to run a business partnership together too. Insya'Allah we will meet again from time to time whenever I get back. I apologize to all should I have ever made harsh statements or said the wrong words. But believe me, deep inside I know you have worked hard and you have done your level best. Thank you, jazakAllah, from the bottom of my heart. May Allah bless you all always with happiness.

Dealing with operations has never been easy if it wasn't because of the analytical thinking of you, Jenny. I admire your spirit and wisdom, which makes you an expert in what you do. You have been very kind to us all, and nevertheless your witty character has never failed to light up my day. Thank you again, and God bless.

Nurarinawaty, I know what you're thinking. I've said it before that I'm going after The Goal, and it shall stay as it is. I know revenge is a very dangerous motivation, but that's what keeping me going on, going strong. Thank you very much for your support and encouragement. It has been great pleasure serving with you in TM project.

I think the same brainwave between me and Hazlina has made us a good thinking pair. The first time we met was at Mines, with you and your soft-bossy look and me with my stern-operations face. A few weeks later we were talking at your house during Eid. A million thanks to you for helping me to solve our financial issues. Hope to see you again sometime soon when I get down to Kampung Baru.

Khairil and Hijjaz were the two hardcore guys who helped us most in CENCON. You guys were great, and I can't thank you enough for the guidance and support. CENCON will not have taken off and flew up high if it wasn't for both of you.

Nothing beats the SSD team when it comes to assimilating data for cases. Lead by Zahari, the SSD has played a vital role in determining case priority and providing information to the tech team. There are grouches here and there, but overall SSD guys have been a great help not just to us in Perak, but I believe to all tech personnel. So Zahari and team, thank you very much for all your help not just in CENCON, but in all projects.

Fadzil, you brought me into this Company to manage DITC for CENCON. Alhamdulillah, as far as I can see, everything had gone well until the recent mishap. I am terribly sorry I had to break my promise (of not leaving until everything is over). You have helped me a lot, and I pray that Allah will shower you with happiness always. CENCON would have been a great successful project if it wasn't because of SSM tragedy.

I hope I didn't miss anyone. On behalf of Sapura Perak team, a very special thanks to all:

Man "Black" Norzan Mohammad Surida "Zanor" Mansasi Mas Kimi "Bloodletting" Faizah "Baby Comel" Nora "Daus" Abdullah Khaizul "Sak kok luh" Cherlyn "Kakak" Fadzil "Abang" Khalid Abdullah Mohd "Matkorie" Bakhary Wan Aziz Ili Nurdiana Azlan "Rock Head" Yasirah "Shera Tamaki" Ros "Kelate" Faisal Jailani Ishamuddin "Shaun" Malik Aswad Elia "Light saber" Faizah "Baby Comel" Asma "Kak Chik" Shida Sairi Linda "Adik Bongsu" and everyone else in SSM, thank you very much for everything.

I also would like to thank the SST Perak guys especially Safari Sudin for all the cooperation.

To all my friends in Kampung Baru, Kuala Lumpur and Kampung Tunku, Petaling Jaya – I'll be in town soon.

It looks now Ghaz has become The Last Man Standing.